Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
