i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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