i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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