I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
