So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
