If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
