You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
