Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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