Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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