You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
