I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I enjoy the company of your penis
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
