there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
