I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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