He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
