we're chasing vodka with high fives
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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