I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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