Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
