I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize