My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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