hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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