I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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