She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
