My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
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