maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
