Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize