I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize