I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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