I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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