i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
