I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
