My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
