i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
