Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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