too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
