I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
