ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
