I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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