there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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