I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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