Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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