How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
