this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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