We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
