Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
