Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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