woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
