She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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