This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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