They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
