I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
