Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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