Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
