i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm like, not good at living.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize