Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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