Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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